Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
