I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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