I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm too high and old for this...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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