the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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