My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
