i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
