i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
