so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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