There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
