Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
