the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
