I heard we made out
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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