I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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