Sponge bath it is.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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