somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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