that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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