I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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