We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
