my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
