I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
