I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
