all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
