She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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