god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
