Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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