he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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