I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
