broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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