you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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