I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
