I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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