im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
