Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You don't make any sense
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