Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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