God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
is wine microwaveable?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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