Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
