Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
