I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
