no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
