i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
