Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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