I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
