You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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