we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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