Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
