they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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