i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
