Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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