3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
