I just made out with a guy for $7.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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