the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
