grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
