Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
