I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize