dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
