she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
