My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
