i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
